clairvoyentvale

I’ve always kind of believed in the philosophy, “anything is possible if you believe it to be.”

Doubt and regret are the silent killers.

And so now, I come before myself, asking for forgiveness, but also asking for hope.

Because I can be so much more if I give myself permission to be.

And I’m reaching out a hand, asking myself to take it.

And…I want to.

I’m touching fingertips – the palm.

Next thing I know, I’m looking away.

The reaching hand grasps mine and pulls me over the edge.

Now, we’re free-falling.

And I can feel your hand grasping mine, but I can’t see you.

“There is no freedom without fear.”

Now, open water – alone.

I’ve never been a good swimmer, but the sea comforts me.

I wonder why?

Maybe I recognize the freedom that hides in fear.

The freedom in the unknown.

And I scream into the abyss. It welcomes me like an old friend.

There is no challenge, no question in its welcome.

Just the calm, open-ended gift of silence.

And some might say, this is rock bottom.

The depths of the ocean.

No light to be seen.

But there is life here.

Even if it is just me and old demons.

Sometimes, I wish I said better goodbyes. No question in my voice. No open-ended maybes.

A solid, firm “no.”

An ending with no future.

Because you don’t deserve that with me.

I’ve always been treated like some consolation prize. Second best.

But I would like to believe I am worth more. That I am a priority.

That I matter.

That my hopes and dreams and opinions matter.

I think the universe is testing me right now.

“What will you give up to chase your dreams?” It asks.

“Everything,” I breathe. “Absolutely everything.”

There she is.

A brief flicker in the mirror.

A smile.

A laugh.

A beginning for her.

A beginning for us.

An end for me and you.